I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.