It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
You Might Also Like
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Reporter: *ports again*
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to