ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Just say no
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…