Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
You Might Also Like
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.