Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine