guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog