“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing