“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.