Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.