“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.