I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me
Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?
Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells ‘who arted’ and i feel i failed as i should’ve thought of that joke
I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.
It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only
Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one
I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $150
Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat
The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph
Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs