*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
A family that plays together cheats.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”