It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.