[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]