You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.