*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.