*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*