I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.