Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.