Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.