*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.