{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”