The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk