The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.