If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.