*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.