*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*