Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Writing, She Murdered.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
What’s so funny?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Hamburger Hinderer.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.