Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
These are my roll models.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.