Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!