WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.