Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.