[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.