Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: