@davidkenny100
*Text
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
Ok cool
Hurry up
Er… sorry
The choice is yours
Oh! Ok
Don’t be late
Ffs dude!
@davidkenny100
@davidkenny100
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
*rubs throat
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
@davidkenny100
Actually, no I don’t spend my day arguing and working on format tweets!
Narrator: he does though
Shut up
Narrator: you shut up!
@davidkenny100
Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs
Later
Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
@davidkenny100
Morgan Freeman: I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind.
[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time
@davidkenny100
When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”
Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example
@davidkenny100
I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
@davidkenny100
The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta
@davidkenny100
What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.
Wait
@davidkenny100
I live on the edge
Her: cool
It’s scary
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive