Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
me when I see my crush
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo