@davidkenny100

*Text

I’m on my way

Kurt Cobain: take your time

Ok cool

Hurry up

Er… sorry

The choice is yours

Oh! Ok

Don’t be late

Ffs dude!

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

@davidkenny100

Actually, no I don’t spend my day arguing and working on format tweets!

Narrator: he does though

Shut up

Narrator: you shut up!

@davidkenny100

Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs

Later

Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?

@davidkenny100

Morgan Freeman: I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind.

[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time

@davidkenny100

When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example

@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@davidkenny100

The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta

@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

Wait

@davidkenny100

I live on the edge

Her: cool

It’s scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive