I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread