*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”