One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
This is the one
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Hank is one in a melon.