I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.