@ddsmidt

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

@ddsmidt

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

@ddsmidt

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

@ddsmidt

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

@ddsmidt

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

@ddsmidt

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

@ddsmidt

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.