All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.