My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.