My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*