Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.