If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
You Might Also Like
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.