My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
You Might Also Like
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My daily affirmation
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin