Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.