A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*pulls lighter from bra*
Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in