“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.