I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.